My inner thoughts...

I spent some time to reflect on my life for the past couple of weeks since quitting JTM. I come to the point where I realize I'm not really keen on working as a Chemist or other related posts with Chemistry. At this point, I feel like I'm on this floating boat without navigation...heading nowhere in the ocean.

But at the same time, I was wondering if it's because I give up on it as I don't see any opportunity for it? I've tried several related companies and I failed halfway during the interviews (mostly involved 4 stages of interviews). My journey always ended on the second interview.....

I have to turn down a few offers related to my field too considering the location and other aspects... *sighs*

Frustrated indeed. But then, I really appreciate the experiences that i've gained from it...Been going here and there to attend the interviews was actually another bonus (as I have the chances to go around places).

Just went for my last series of interviews...this time it's for Citibank and after going through the first stage interview, finally I was interviewed by the manager. She kept on backfiring me for choosing the job that's totally not related with my major.

I've been prepared for that.. In fact, I've included Joel Neoh ( she seemed puzzled on who was I talking about though,hmmm )as my example (FYI, Joel is a successful social youth development entrepreneur with a degree in Mechanical Engineering, check out my previous entry on him)

I mean, my degree shouldn't dictate of what I should be. If there's learning opportunities then why limit myself? That's what I'm trying to do now even though at times I do have second thought about my choice. Will I able to pull it off??? I have lots of sacrifice to do if I were to be accepted for this job. I need to get my own transport and working on shift if needed....

But then, suddenly mum called with a very sick voice. She was asking about my interview for today. She seemed concerned about it.. She's totally against the idea of me working there. From her tone of voice, I know she's yearning for me to come back home. She wants to retire and me by her side..... that I know too.

I was speechless when she once told me not to ever leave her after finished my studies here in UPM. I know I've been away from home since matriculation, but I could never imagined myself going back to Miri and live the life that I dream of.

For a Sarawakian like me, my decision to stay back here (selangor) after finishing my degree in UPM was not an easy decision to be made. My mum is totally disagree and upset with it.

I just want to explore the opportunities that are available here...I want to outdo myself and live a fulfilling life. For everything that I've done so far is for the sake of my mum herself. I hope she understands that I'm trying hard to do my best in life to improve my life with the expectations of providing the best for her.

As a single parent, I admire the stout-hearted person that she is..for being patient and optimistic in life to raise her 3 daughters. Life has never been easy for her, that I understand. That's the reason I'm determine to do my best in life for her. Something she could be proud of her elder daughter.

But at the same time, I have to meet my dad's expectations as well. He's someone who was absent in my life since I was seven. Eventhough, he did occasionally came and visit us in Miri but then suddenly we lost contact.

When I was a teenager then only I started to know a bit about my dad through my visit to Bintulu for Chinese New Year. Then, he starts to work overseas and we keep in touch through emails until present.

Whenever I was in Bintulu, I tried my best to know him better by spending my time with him. He's a person with a strong personality and I'm really an opposite of him in everything.

I wish he was by my side throughout my life so he could teach and guides me in life, molds me to become a better person in life which now...

I partly blame him for what I felt at the moment, for the person that I am.But I know deep down in my heart, I've already stop blaming him for a long time... I miss him.

Nonetheless, my dad has expectations for me as well which also driven me to do my best and secure myself a good job. However, sometimes it's too much to bear as knowing that the insecurity in me sometimes overwhelmed me, wonder if I could fulfill his expectations?

At this point of time, I never thought it would be this hard after graduated. I thought I was on track, but obviously I'm not.

Alas, I had emotional breakdown and tears started to roll down my cheeks when I was talking to my best friend Ycca over the phone. I felt so sorry towards my mum as she's unwell at the moment and it clouded every plan that I have in mind. Am i being a disobedient daughter?

At the same time I know dad would be mad at me if I would ever tell him about this problem. He never wanted mum to come in between of me in everything which makes things even harder for me..as if I'm torn in between.

Now,a perplexed state of mind to deal with..

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