A Loner??

*Polyamorous by Breaking Benjamin*- One of my favourite song for stupid mood....

Wondering if i was born as a loner .... That's what i feel tonight...again!! I thought i was so over it for the past few years. It haunts me back... I hate that feeling.. well tell me who likes it anyway right? I feel like i'm leaning to this 'fragile' wall and suddenly it collapses infront of my eyes... into pieces. There goes my supporting system....DOOM!!

"Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts. So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess and to stop the muscle that makes us confess. We are so fragile and our cracking bones make noise and we are just,breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.... like how fragile this heart is."

I guess that song by Ingrid Michaelson says it all pretty well for me. I keep on holding back my mixed feelings...it's so painful to keep it to yourself, knowing that you're not sure who's that person you could rely at this very moment. Frustration is all.....it eats you alive.. HELL.

Few years back i told myself... open up . Live life.. what's the hell is wrong with you Stephanie??!! So, i did try. I was more open up... befriended with people... try to be more open minded..I've tried.. Just lately, im not sure what i'm going through in this phase of life. I keep on disappointed with so many petty matters..frustration...anger... and i couldnt let it out. No tears.. No breakdown... just silent pain. HEARTACHE.

I thought i have friends.... i thought i could share everything...but i feel like a stranger all over sudden. I bottle it up... again. Screw it! Nothing lasts for a long time or forever..that's what i truely believe.... I'll always end up being alone...that's what i'm so certain about too. Whenever i try to hope and count on something/someone, it leads me to nowhere but misery. Nevermind. I guess i'm so used to it now that maybe next time i wouldnt be whining about it anymore because i'm content by living in my own world :)

Guess i trust nobody anymore.. no expectation no hope. Just live with the moment and mess up with people around me or being an asshole ignorant. That sounds cool to me because i dont bother or care more.

It's such an irony that someone chatted with me before telling me how he/she being anti-world person. Doesnt care about the money, systems, sex and anything. In the end, get to know that actually no one could be an anti-world person because you're a human. So he/she was bullshitting basically, i can guarantee you that. I thought i was lucky that i at least could know someone who's really the so-called anti-world type of person... so i could be like one too.. hahaha. Nah..it never was.

Well, literally i've given up everything. I'm too tired for everything too. I wonder how should i go on with this life without getting hurt so much by people i care or by petty matters... i wish i could be a meanie/ignorant for most of the time. Cover up all of these fears in me ...the weaknesses in me..take it all away from me.

Need i say more?????????????