Cold Feet

Dad's reply in the email wasn't actually what I would have expected.
I've expected his rage and disapprovement. I was wrong again. In fact, I was a bit mad at myself for being such a lousy daughter.

Turned out that he was busy with his work..that explained on the delay of the reply. I thought he purposedly avoided the subject that we had like we used to have once.

Cold feet.. Yeah. Suddenly, I just feel like going back to Sarawak for good. To start everything anew. But there are so much to let go here..
I remember how I was determined to have a career here and try to have a life.. Now looking at it, I've just crushed whatever I once dreamt here.

I just feel partially 'dead' here now. Could have be the frustration at work and life. But well, that's everywhere right? I must admit that I do miss my family especially my mum. I know how mum yearns to have her daughters with her. I cried on the phone when having a conversation about mum with Sin Yi whom my family consider as no stranger to the family now when he used to be Sheron's boy friend. I've missed part of their lives in mine. I have and I shouldn't.

Frankly speaking, I've been running away from family for some reasons that I unable to tell. But deep in my heart I know I love and care for them. Now, I just want to be close to them before it's too late.

But will I be happy if I am to be back in Miri? I'm not sure but already I'm thinking of starting it anew in Kuching or somewhere. I don't think I can stand living in Miri because of the past. Or was it me being so bitter about it?

Well, I definitely gonna miss the night life and entertainment here. I cringe to the thought of not able to find friends to hang out with at the club or something. Places to hang out during the odd hours...going out for a movie alone sometimes and enjoying driving through the highway listening to Club Hitz...just those random stuff I love to do.

Ah, Jes...you are my best partner in crime when it comes to clubbing. We always have fun eventhough it's just the two of us and we do rock it! :)
I remember every single moment of it.. every time we hit the dance floor, there's always a story to remember...I love your vibe girl...and thanks for always looking out for me whenever we hang out. :)

Besides that, I just never really had that chance to reallly 'live' in Casa Villa. I mean the last time when I've just occupied the spaces with furnitures and trying to make it comfortable like home, I rented somewhere closer to my working place. There's something about this place eventhough I hate my parking spot.

Since I was young, I never quite feel like having a place I could call home. That's another long story and I just hate how it brings back those awful feelings and memories.
Feel like Casa Villa would be wasted to leave it unoccupied or even renting it out. I mean, unless the tenants would really take good care of the place which I highly doubt about it. I wanted to ask dad why he even bought this place at the first place. Already, I have my own assumption on it and I'll never asked him.

If I really wanna go back to Sarawak, I need my own space. Will I get it? It sounds vague isn't it? Maybe you'll think ..'oh, c'mon stef, that's just a piece of cake. What the hell are you worrying about?'...Hmmm I have different life altogether in Miri. I wish I could fill you in about it. :)
I guess my biggest anxiety now is my career path. I'm losing it again and I'm wondering what have I done in this 2 years after graduating. Feel like I've wasted my degree.

Damn it Jes, you're right. I shouldn't have worry about all of this vague thoughts of 'what if'... the pessimism. I tend to make it real sometimes. Scare the hell out of me.
I'll keep trying to have that content life of mine... I will.

Dad, sometimes there are times when we have misunderstanding. But you really have stand by me at your own different ways which I hope I could comprehend more and to understand you more. I'm nothing without you. You've been trying to expose me to the outside world and I appreciate it. I hope one day, I'll make you proud.

It's almost the end of the Tiger year. I'm looking forward for more prosperous Rabbit year. This year definitely one of the toughest one I'm experiencing but hey, that's life right?

So, are you up for it Stef? Time to go back for good.....I hope.