Nightmare From The Past
It was like waking up from a nightmare to be back at work after the 'eventful' long weekend. Trying hard to chin up. It was hard.
At that point of time, I wish I don't have to face the people. I wanna be alone and a space for me to breath again. One by one, all these stupid things keep on prevailing and pulling me down with it. All those dark feelings from the past as if alive to haunt me back this time. I don't wanna be back in depression, again.
I managed to get a half day unpaid leave to settle the procedure for the insurance claim and straight away headed to MPK as well to settle the unfinished matter like way back in 2009 when I first moved into Casa Villa. But little did I know, my laptop blackout again after the repair. I was in total despair. The internet and my laptop are like my lifeline. Without it, I feel like i'm disconnected with the rest... it's my channel to let out my feelings.
Then, somehow I've got a surprise call from dad in Karratha. It's that tone of voice again. I hate it. He started to raise his voice as according to him, I didn't answer his questions. Initially, it was about the accident and apparently he thought he's giving me some 'guidance' to deal with it. Just as I thought today's gonna be a good one. I was damn wrong.
Fine. He's the person who would think he's always right and sometimes it's hard to catch up with his egoism as well. I started to sob over the phone even I've tried hard to control it. I can feel the lumps in my throat and I wish I could hang up the phone immediately. The part he started to let out on me about everything started to make me sobbing nonstop. I hate it when he has to brought up the hatred of his towards mum. As if he thinks raising 3 daughters is like easy as ABC. Already, providing the basic necessities to his daughters seems to bug him, what's more to raise a child of his own? I guess he'll see that when Sandra is growing up.
I'm the person who's very sensitive when it comes to mum. Life wasn't easy for us when we were young and till now the bitterness is still in my heart...occasionally, I still feel it...like this very moment. I hate to have back all those feelings during the dark moments in my life . Sometimes, I wonder if it ever frustrated him to have us as his daughters?
From the conversation, it seemingly indicated that as if he wants me to be apart from my mum. My heart was broken into pieces. Not this again, I don't want to be in between the feud both of you having. Please realize this that I'm suffering too.
Eventhough he uttered the three words at the end of the conversation I just don't bother and hang up. In my heart i know no matter what, I try to love you dad. I do. I just wish he understands these feelings of mine.
I was bawling myself to sleep that night. What's more to listen to my little sister sobbing over the phone made my heart ache so much. I love her very much and I just wish I don't have to call her to tell her that. She has grown up so well and much more better than me. She's stout-hearted and bravier than what I've could have imagined of her. I wish even when I'm miles away from her, I'll able to provide her comforts and care. I've cried so hard on that sleepless night. To whom should I find comforts with? I couldn't figure. All my life it's always been me alone. Soon, I just fearful for not able to find that someone just to share it with. Was I being demanding? It's driving me crazy to think of it. I know people would say shake it off and move on...Please, don't tell me that. I have enough of it.
The next day waking up with the swollen eyes and dizzy head, I was trying hard to keep myself focus at work. Masked myself with a smile occasionally at work, I was emotionally drained. The desperation to let it out was torturing. I slept 12 hours straight when I came back from work. I couldn't bother what's next for me.
At that point of time, I wish I don't have to face the people. I wanna be alone and a space for me to breath again. One by one, all these stupid things keep on prevailing and pulling me down with it. All those dark feelings from the past as if alive to haunt me back this time. I don't wanna be back in depression, again.
I managed to get a half day unpaid leave to settle the procedure for the insurance claim and straight away headed to MPK as well to settle the unfinished matter like way back in 2009 when I first moved into Casa Villa. But little did I know, my laptop blackout again after the repair. I was in total despair. The internet and my laptop are like my lifeline. Without it, I feel like i'm disconnected with the rest... it's my channel to let out my feelings.
Then, somehow I've got a surprise call from dad in Karratha. It's that tone of voice again. I hate it. He started to raise his voice as according to him, I didn't answer his questions. Initially, it was about the accident and apparently he thought he's giving me some 'guidance' to deal with it. Just as I thought today's gonna be a good one. I was damn wrong.
Fine. He's the person who would think he's always right and sometimes it's hard to catch up with his egoism as well. I started to sob over the phone even I've tried hard to control it. I can feel the lumps in my throat and I wish I could hang up the phone immediately. The part he started to let out on me about everything started to make me sobbing nonstop. I hate it when he has to brought up the hatred of his towards mum. As if he thinks raising 3 daughters is like easy as ABC. Already, providing the basic necessities to his daughters seems to bug him, what's more to raise a child of his own? I guess he'll see that when Sandra is growing up.
I'm the person who's very sensitive when it comes to mum. Life wasn't easy for us when we were young and till now the bitterness is still in my heart...occasionally, I still feel it...like this very moment. I hate to have back all those feelings during the dark moments in my life . Sometimes, I wonder if it ever frustrated him to have us as his daughters?
From the conversation, it seemingly indicated that as if he wants me to be apart from my mum. My heart was broken into pieces. Not this again, I don't want to be in between the feud both of you having. Please realize this that I'm suffering too.
Eventhough he uttered the three words at the end of the conversation I just don't bother and hang up. In my heart i know no matter what, I try to love you dad. I do. I just wish he understands these feelings of mine.
I was bawling myself to sleep that night. What's more to listen to my little sister sobbing over the phone made my heart ache so much. I love her very much and I just wish I don't have to call her to tell her that. She has grown up so well and much more better than me. She's stout-hearted and bravier than what I've could have imagined of her. I wish even when I'm miles away from her, I'll able to provide her comforts and care. I've cried so hard on that sleepless night. To whom should I find comforts with? I couldn't figure. All my life it's always been me alone. Soon, I just fearful for not able to find that someone just to share it with. Was I being demanding? It's driving me crazy to think of it. I know people would say shake it off and move on...Please, don't tell me that. I have enough of it.
The next day waking up with the swollen eyes and dizzy head, I was trying hard to keep myself focus at work. Masked myself with a smile occasionally at work, I was emotionally drained. The desperation to let it out was torturing. I slept 12 hours straight when I came back from work. I couldn't bother what's next for me.
Comments
Yeah, many aspects of life kinda let me down to the point I cant think straight since i was all alone that time. definitely talking to someone could at least ease it off...
i kinda agree wif u too when you mentioned you rather be here...
bt smhw dont knw why i wish i could be in swak too...not miri perhaps..jst smwhere trying my luck.